Day 3 of Le Jeu.

And today is the first when I have that inkling of uncertainty.

That feeling that “maybe I am not good.”

Or, let’s be honest, a feeling of… “maybe I’m shit”

This is a natural part of the process, so I welcome it (logically if not emotionally). Still, it’s uncomfortable.

Why? Well, I think, to be fair, my brain started the day in more of an uncertain mood today. My social anxiety reared its head again yesterday, which has been relatively quiet for the last few weeks as I’ve been in “hyperfocus and crisis mode”

I’m getting a lot of rest here. This is a good thing, but it’s interesting that the first day that I “catch up” on my missing sleep, my brain now has the energy to start worrying again. A good thing to note.

The day in class was an odd one.

Gaulier started his class, but he was a bit unwell so his teaching assistants (for want of a better term as really they are co-teachers) took over. This changed the dynamic. Which is fine, but perhaps contributed to the uncertainty in my mind. Until now, the teaching assistants have been the antidote to Gaulier’s harshness. And, while they were not as blunt as he was when taking his role today, in a way the switch made it more uncertain (for me anyway) because the line was blurred.

Let’s clarify what I mean.

Part of My First Uncertainty (let’s christen this moment) is that I went up first to do an exercise. We had to dance with a partner and then, when we got “bored” with dancing with them, we winked at the teacher. And we then had to “lie” and give a speech about why we weren’t bored by dancing with them.

And I winked first. So I gave my speech first.

And I wasn’t exactly given very long to do it. They moved on to the next person. But without comment.

So… clearly what I said and did was boring.

On reflection, I think we should take this as a win, my first real “you are boring” of the course.

But, perhaps the lack of a comment from the teachers means I don’t know why I was boring.

Maybe it doesn’t matter why I was boring.

That I was boring is enough information.

We are all boring, except when we are not. And if we are boring does it matter why?