Have you any experience with disposing of bodies?

If you had to be poisoned to death, what poison would you choose?

How much faeces are you happy with cleaning on an average day?

And of course, you’ll be in charge of putting the lipstick on the pig every morning.

Can I call you Jeeves? I know your name’s Hector but I’m going to call you Jeeves.

I always get my butlers to dress up as Hitler, I hope that’s okay.

So, you’ll be bringing us munchies when we’re high. Sweet!

No, Mr Reece-Mogg does actually want you to wear Elizabethan dress and address him as squire.

And how long into your position will you be okay to bump off my husband?

I’ve watched all of Downton Abbey so I know how your job works.

I’m a stickler for the rules, and whoever smelt it dealt it.

You’re probably wondering why I’m pointing a loaded gun at you… it’s just my little quirk, you’ll get used to it.

You look so much like a penguin, I’m going to call you penguinny!

I’ve never had a butler before, but I have been to Nandos… it’s the same thing, right?

I will pay you every week in a pound of cheese… I read that”s how butlers were paid in the Middle Ages.

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever cleaned out of a toilet? because in this job we’ll beat it.

I haven’t got any money, but we can pay you in kindness.

We can’t afford a butler and a nurse for granny, so … can you provide round-the-clock nursing care and bring me my breakfast by 8am?

I’m not going to lie, I was hoping you’d be hotter.

If you hear blood-curdling screams and a chainsaw in the middle of the night, don’t worry. It’s just mother.