It’s official!

I’ve got ADHD and definite traits of autism.

Fuck.

I mean…

Good.

Fine.

I’m over it.

Am I though?

I am, I think, at peace with the ADHD. Hell… I made a show about it last year and have experienced great joy, love, and friendship connecting with people who are also neurodivergent.

Accepting ADHD into this “Self” has helped me to ease back on myself about some of the major things that have held me back for years… disorganization, time blindness, planning inability, um… there’s more to this list… suddenly I can’t remember the list of symptoms for ADHD… I should search for a list of symptoms online for the millionth time so I can finish writing this list… but if I do that, I’ll get sucked into an “online research black hole” that will take up the next 30 minutes and I will be late for the meeting I have in 20 minutes… voila! Those things. You get the point.

The autistic traits… those I’m still resistant to.

Why?

Because admitting that I am autistic triggers a deep-seated belief in myself that I am:

* Too weird for others to truly accept me.
* Not capable of being attractive to those I’m attracted to.
* Never going to feel like a full and true part of any group… doomed always to circle the fringes as a perpetual outsider.
* And so on…

I have, over the last year, seen how untrue such beliefs are. In particular, these past 1.5 years, I have felt more loved and accepted by the community of clowns and my friends within it than I have ever felt in a community.

People really love me.

I have to accept that.

I don’t accept it fully yet.

But I’m getting there.

The diagnosis interview/assessment was interesting… actually, let’s leave the recounting of the assessment appointment for another day.

I want to go for a walk before my meeting.

Yeah… I had big plans for this post… but I haven’t fulfilled them because I got derailed halfway through writing it and watched a bunch of YouTube videos.

But, anyway… I have ADHD. And some autistic traits.

I’ve not picked up my medication prescription yet… I’m a bit nervous about it, to be honest, because… well who wouldn’t love this erratic energy!?

But I also think it’s a good idea to try the medication.

Because I’m a scientist.

This is all a tangent!

Stop writing, Alex!

Go for a walk!